


i loved you

by Finally_Home



Category: DBSK | Tohoshinki | TVfXQ | TVXQ
Genre: Angst, Emotional, M/M, Reflection, Trip Down Memory Lane, both changmin and yunho's povs, breaking up, i wanted a happy ending to this but it didn't want to write one, looking back on their relationship, this is like straight angst because i'm sad today
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-11
Updated: 2020-03-11
Packaged: 2021-02-22 21:07:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,539
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23100409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Finally_Home/pseuds/Finally_Home
Summary: When had they stopped? Where had it begun to go wrong?
Relationships: Jung Yunho/Shim Changmin
Comments: 6
Kudos: 12





	i loved you

**Author's Note:**

> [day6 - i loved you](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Erjw5AcY0js)

Changmin thinks it might have been 2020, when they were just too tired to go on. I’m tired of fighting, Yunho had said, tiredly, as he passed a hand in front of his eyes. Changmin had watched him, the slight hard curve of his mouth as he tried not to sigh, the wrinkles beside his eyes that was the only indication of age on his youth, the bruises on his legs that he knew Changmin would see but not comment on. And Changmin had said, quietly, Okay, let’s end this.

Yunho thinks it might have been 2019, when they had gone on tour for their Japanese comeback (fifteen years!) and returned to Korea with increasing annoyance for the mobs. Changmin had slipped on his sunglasses right before the doors opened, and Yunho had watched him, watched his handsome face settled into a mask of something harsh, something cold, something less private and more foreign than anything he’d ever seen before. And then, with one last look at the boy he had watched grow into a man, Yunho had followed suit.

Changmin thinks it might have been 2018, when they had come back with The Chance of Love and once again not won anything on the music shows. He had watched Yunho’s face, long since used to the disappointment of not winning, lit up just a bit as they stood there in front of the rookies and lost, against everyone. He had watched the light snuff out of Yunho’s eyes, as quickly as he had come, and knew that he was thinking about their one miracle with Something. And then he had clapped, edging his way closer to his hyung, feeling the disappointment roll off of him in waves.

Yunho thinks it might have been 2017, when they had reunited and immediately dove into preparing for Japanese concerts. We’re Korean, he remembers Changmin saying, and we’re coming back in Japan before we’re coming back in Korea. He remembers the incredulous scoff escaping out of his mouth before he could help it, and then the guilt kicked in and he mumbled an apology to Bigeast despite the fact that they couldn’t hear him, would never hear such words from him. And he had rubbed his shoulders, silently, and nodded in his own way of agreement.

Changmin thinks it might have been 2016, when they were both still in the military and he did the festivals with Super Junior. He couldn’t keep the smile off his face as he danced to Devil with Siwon and Donghae, but there was that little nagging feeling in his chest when he made the moves too hard, too sharp, that little voice in the soft nasal tone of Jung Yunho that disapproved, that said this is because you are TVXQ, you always were and you always will be. And then they met up during breaks, and all he could see was the radiant smile on Yunho’s face, and Super Junior be damned, he is TVXQ.

Yunho thinks it might have been 2015, when Changmin entered the military years early in order to meet him for promotions as soon as possible. He watched Changmin’s press conference, the one for that one drama he did where he admitted openly, vulnerably, that he missed his Yunho-hyung and wanted to see him as soon as possible again. He watched SMTown, the stage in Osaka where Changmin wore his shirt, his ring, sang XJapan’s Rusty Nail and kissed the ring that had so many times been on his own finger. He had held back tears as he scrolled through the pictures of Changmin’s enlistment, his little baby grown all up and mature and a man. And he’d called him, heard his soft lilting voice and said Changmin-ah, let’s do well.

Changmin thinks it might have been 2014, when they fought so hard about housing issues that everyone around them thought they were done for. Changmin moved out first, he remembers, but Yunho bought his house first. They always used to joke about it, who would move out first and abandon the other, but when Yunho actually bought the house, Changmin felt betrayed, the pain ripping his heart in half and he couldn’t even look at Yunho for a week. You had no right, he yelled at him, throwing his toothbrush into the living room. You’re leaving me to live on your own. But Yunho had only picked up his toothbrush, bending over slowly, and said, But Changmin, you don’t like it when I’m being loud. And Changmin moved away, not missing the chaos or the warmth, no, not at all.

Yunho thinks it might have been 2013, when they spent the entire year in Japan doing concerts and promotions and whatnot. Living long-term in a foreign country really did bring them closer together, especially when they still shared a bed. Changmin made fun of Yunho’s living habits, Yunho told interviewers about how Changmin once smacked him in his sleep, they handled the prying questions with grace and humility, and when they went back at night to sleep, Changmin always made them ramen. Midnight sin ramen, he joked, dropping a packet of instant noodles into the pot. Sin because we shouldn’t, but also because we want. And Yunho had laughed and ate the ramen, all of it, and watched Changmin’s delicate features through the haze of steam rising from his bowl.

Changmin thinks it might have been 2012, when they should have won something for Catch Me but were always overshadowed somehow. Not that it was a big deal, Yunho had said cheerily, shaking his hair to fall in front of his eyes. We love and appreciate everyone because we’ve all worked hard and can understand. Changmin watched the stylists spray his hair into place, looked at the faint dark outlines of stubble on his pale pale skin, and swallowed with an impending sense of difficulty. Yunho looked at him then, dark eyes bright with worry, and reached out. Changdol-ah, are you okay? And Changmin swallowed again, forced himself to look his hyung in the eyes, and said yeah, yeah, I’m okay.

Yunho thinks it might have been 2011, when they shook so badly behind the stage that even the stylists had noticed. He was not a good Christian, but he prayed, clasped his hands together and prayed with all his heart mind and soul to please let this work out, please, Changmin and I, please. Changmin also closed his eyes, bit his lips, moved his mouth to the patterns of words long forgotten and prayed to his own gods, and when he opened his eyes again, they were wet, and so were his hands. Yunho took them in his own, clenched their fingers together and felt Changmin’s nails dig into his palm, and nodded. No words were exchanged, but none were needed, and they stepped out onto that stage and let the music take over. And they came back officially as two.

Changmin thinks it might have started at the beginning, when they first met and Yunho told him to just get out now if he wasn’t going to take this seriously. It was the spite that made him stay, but was it spite that made him glad that he was debuting with this hyung? Was it spite or was it admiration or was it something else, something more? Had it started from then, the feelings of I want to make him proud of me and Why can’t he look at me like that? He remembers the first time Yunho held his hand, the first time they threw their arms around each other on live television, remembers the ungodly loud thumping of his heartbeat. And knows that he’d have stayed with Jung Yunho from the very beginning.

Yunho thinks it started from their births, when the stars aligned and destined them as crossed or not-crossed lovers. They’ve had their times, their fun, their joys and their sorrows, but it is ever enough? It will never be enough, not for Yunho, no, and he remembers holding back an ocean of tears as he watched Changmin’s eyes light up as he looked at Victoria, remembers running his eyes over whatever revealing outfits they’ve had to wear for photoshoots, remembers fighting on the Ti Amo shoot in 2014 and remembers the feelings of his body on his during the first V-Live they ever did. It wasn’t enough, it was just the beginning, it will never be enough, not for Yunho. And it never will.

Maybe it had gone wrong from the very beginning. Maybe so, and life should not have introduced the two or made their paths cross, because god knows, the amount of time they’ve spent together, apart, together and apart, the kinds of emotions they feel for each other, love and hate and pride and love again, it would only make them bitter and brittle and break more easily than ever before. And maybe that had been the point, that they were simultaneously the best and worst person they’d each respectively meet in their lives, fall in love with, come together and leave. But it’s bitter, because would they have rather loved and lived than not at all? 

_ Really, I loved you. _

**Author's Note:**

> yeah i've been listening to day6 a lot lately?? this is solely inspired by how fucking sad i am for getting a c- in physics for mid semester. this is shit i won't even tell my parents but will tell everyone on the world wide web lmao. i want to write ancient aus for these two but i keep writing vague sad shit ugh hg h fdtg hhgf


End file.
